If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
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I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
bury ourselves