overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
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Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Saint West, the patron of selfies
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?