Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Seek kebab; not attention
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
If you know, you know
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics