Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
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I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?