Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
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So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time