Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
You Might Also Like
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.