” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
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#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.