Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
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I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Sell your car
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.