*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
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[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Well, this certainly took a turn
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture