Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
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meow
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
So many pants.
So little yoga.