Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
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her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Every damn time
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.