“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
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My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!