I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
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And they lived apathetically ever after.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂