It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
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I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food