Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
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Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.