If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
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A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.