It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
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Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.