I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
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5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Many hands make light work
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]