I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
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King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
just left a huge legacy in there
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru