Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
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Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.