Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
You Might Also Like
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.