I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
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My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.