Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
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Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light