I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
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#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Had an epiphany today.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”