If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
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Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats