girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
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My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
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*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Waiting for the Charmin
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap