If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
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If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
.. do you even science?
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…