She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
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PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
wtf management?!
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.