The three genders.
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Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
cause of death:
autopsy.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting