This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
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Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
A short story about romance.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.