Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
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Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I bet birds love this building.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.