People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
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My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Made something I’m not proud of
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.