My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
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Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”