they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
You Might Also Like
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Yes, this is exactly right
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.