It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
You Might Also Like
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
😲 WTF? 😆
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.