Home is where your toilet is.
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Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?