Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
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If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
an airline just for babies.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Lol.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.