Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
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The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
This pepper has seen some shit
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
guys I’m going home
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Thou shalt not commit adulthood