I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
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I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.