[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
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Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.