Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
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[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Life hack
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood