8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
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When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Your honor these allegations are
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways