A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
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Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.