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i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
So, can we agree on 4 or
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?