Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
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Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold