“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
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Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.