The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
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Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.