Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
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Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no