Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
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Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
🙂🐾
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.