Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
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The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago